Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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