um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
