you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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