Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize