I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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