So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
