i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
