So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
