Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
