I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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