She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
