Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just invented taco cereal.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
