we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
