he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
