I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize