Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
