I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
