you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
