just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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