I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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