She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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