Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dignity is for republicans.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
YAS. BRING CRAB.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
