ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
