Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You are the jesus of drinking
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
