when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
