So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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