I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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