Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
