bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
