Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
not ubering you a puppy
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
