I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
