She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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