have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize