Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
These tits shall not be calmed
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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