Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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