Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
