on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
