she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
