Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
