My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
