It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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