I must be too annoying 4 u.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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