Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
