So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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