bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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