I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
