I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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