Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
