There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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