i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
