I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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