I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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