Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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