Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
