You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
