Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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