Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
time to smoke my breakfast
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
