Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
