I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
