Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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